they don't talk to me anymore. and its strange to say that its okay. i guess the only emotion the result of their neglect has brought to me is curiosity. i wonder why i'm now the outcast. i will never know until i ask... which i may or may not do.


500 days of summer was heart-breaking. even my cold, typically unemotional best friend Dessislava felt its impact. indie cliche? yes. worth watching? yes. i do admit that i left the theater eager to see Precious, which comes out November 09.


luckily, i feel better than i have felt in months. sense New York, i have felt so refreshed! Trinity time is always therapeutic. Seeing beloved roommate candice schottenloher also aided in putting a smile on my face. i love her, and during the saddest period of life i had ever endured, she was the only tangible person there for me. she's a blessing. obviously.

school starts august 24th, exciting.


him and i have been having fun together. we've gone out twice and both times i have enjoyed myself. no pressure, just comfort. i'm attempting to remain unattached and to get out unscaved despite what happens. but i'm failing. i enjoy his company too much, i'm too attracted, and i like that he seems to care as well (?). things are slow moving. i fear being percieved as uninteresting, or uninterested. my previous male experience has me flustered and paranoid. so flustered that i've been having frequent stomach aches that root from the butterflies that root from my fear of dissappointment. i'm excited, and (literally) sickeningly terrified.

Tonight, I met a boy. When he kissed me goodbye, he kissed me on the cheek. Only the cheek. How gentle and rare. That has never happened to me before.

Bangs were a great decision.

4

Defining factors:

1. My two best friends. Stephanie Oula ( left ) and Dessi Sevdina ( right ). If I was ever for some reason to doubt the existence of a higher power, I would just have to look at them and realize that a relationship so perfect could not exist without devine intervention. My edgy, self-centered, vain, extremely intelligent, uniquely beauiful, obviously pretty, pretentious, cynical, critical, aggressive, compassionate best friends create constant balance in my life. I don't doubt that people search a lifetime for something this perfect, whether it be a romantic connection, or just wonderful like ours.




2. Food. Food is the bitch of my life. Having at one point been 204 pounds ( an exact 70 pounds heavier than I currently am today ), my weight is a constant burden. Yes, the weight loss was all natural ( and currently the greatest accomplishments of my life ).

3. Boys ( or men? maybe someday? ).Throughout being in love, being loved, attempting to find love through someone who is incapable of faithfulness, 48 hour love affairs, and short lived flings with sexually driven burrito makers, I am more so at square one than ever...which is okay. I'm 18.

4. Insecurity. Do other women look at themselves as often as I do? If so, do they like what they see? Is that the reason they can't keep their eyes off of themselves? Because it is certainly not mine. Not always. I glance at myself in every mirror, every window, every slick surface there is. I'm always attempting to find confidence. Without reassurance from someone else.